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Friday, 7 October 2011

Steve Jobs: A tribute

Thanks steve, for all you've given me.



The flags at 1 Infinite Loop weren't the only things flying at half mast yesterday.

Love,

Sean376

Thursday, 14 April 2011



Social Media types the world over, lend me your ears! I'm back, and dusting this bitch off. Back to cowardly lurk on the edges and talk shit about others. Back to have intimate chats with my former nemesis - now lover - Max Twatton-Brownnose.  

I just want to start this post by saying I’m the same person as I always was - sorry to disappoint some of you - and much has happened since I've been away on my travels to find myself. I’d call it a digital sabbatical, but that just sounds fucking gay.

Sean376 The agency that listens to your needs and stakeholder interests at heart using Radian6, is no longer sustainable as a business and is considering packing it in and becoming a strategic social media consultancy in the Immediate Future. Most people don’t know this, but I’ve been volunteering. Since our agency went bust during the great Pepsi pitch of 2010, I have not been paid a penny.  Instead I’ve been relying on my mother for shelter, handouts and handjobs. (@Helenium and Dare appear to be hiring, so things - like my cock - might be looking up).

But I, like the social media industry, have been a bit stale.

Blogging continues to be a dull egotistical wankfest comprising mostly of Vincenzini and Whatmough giving their take on what they’ve read in Wired that month, or what they can list out in 10s. Or of course, what new tool/service can be utilised by ‘a brand’ in social media, though not a ‘brand’ any of them actually work with.

Twitter remains nothing more than an egotistical chatroom except with prettier PR girls trying to get a leg up on the career ladder or over Ste Davies believing that both are correlated (FYI - they aren’t, he runs an agency of ONE).

What’s been fun to watch though is how Andrew Bruce Smith lit a fire under everyone’s arse with that PeerIndex shit. Don’t act like you haven’t been back a few times to see where you are. I’m proud as fuck to be at number 238, ahead of 64 other real people.

Seriously though, how satisfying has it been that Whatleydude is down towards 71? And Whatmough, Stuart the Bruce and Dalshit are slipping towards 50? Not that PeerIndex means anything. Fair play to Mazi and his auto-follow script, for being at number one though.

When the next generation of marketing kids become our bosses in 2013, they'll look back on the last 12 months and think, nothing happened aside from John Silk convincing everyone he had time travelled back to 1998 by simply going on eBay and buying old PSOne games.

But with Easter comes a new beginning. Like Jesus, and me, the industry can rise from the dead. There's hope. Here's my appeal to you all for the rest of the year to make us have an industry we can be proud of:


1. Less content gaming and making lists - unless it genuinely provide insight and makes us better practitioners. If you are making a list so people can learn about YOU, then don’t press publish. We know what you are doing. You know what you are doing. Stop it. Then fuck off.  

2. Please no more instagrams in my feed. I can understand the appeal. In the same way, blogging allows failed writers to create shitty poetry about the commute to work, instagram allows anyone with an iPhone to think that they are ‘artistic’. “It’s sunny! Quick, take a picture of that rusty sign!”. Go fucking die.

3. Less of the insular mutual masturbation chats please. I hated (old)  #commshat when it started and thank fuck Big Tweet Off seems to have died on its embarrassing arse. Now karma karma karma #commschat camelion is under new management, but I’m not sure even that will make me like it. Maybe I am cynical, but no one cares apart from those who take part in it. i.e. those who have fuck all to do on Monday night. And the ‘conversations’ are not any more insightful now, than when they were covered off in 2008.

4.Do some work. Every time I meet a client and talk about Twitter, the first thing they say is:
“isn’t that just a waste of time?” “No” I tell them, “It’s a channel for brands to speak directly to consumers, a space for consumers to become influencers within their own niche communities.” I’m talking a load of shit obviously. It’s a fucking waste of time. There are so many timewasters on Twitter; get out and get us some nice case studies rather than relying on Dell, Ford, Starbucks or Pepsi. Stop making the rest of us look shit.

5. No live tweeting at events. Take your hashtag and shove it up your ass. Unless that event is an actual debate where questions are being taken from the audience, it’s useless. It’s useless because you are doing one of the following: 1) Sharing small soundbites without context that offer absolutely no insight; 2) Hoping to see your name on the Twitterfall, or in a hashtag search, simply for the sake of seeing your own name or 3) clogging up your followers’ feeds. If you are doing more than one of the above you are worse than AIDS.

6. Tell Tim Whitlock to fuck right off. Seriously, would you? If his coding skills are as half-assed as his theories about what I did with the @sean376 account when I went on digital sabatical, shit I mean travels to find myself,  then you are fucked if you hire him.

Our industry doesn't have to be shit people! We can do this. We can do this together. Holding each other's cocks.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Sean376: I’m outta here

It might surprise you to learn that Sean Threesevensix received his fair share of emails, tweets and DMs over the last year and not all of them from fit PR grads.

Some DMs come from unfortunate looking social media types who want us to rip into other social media types who have been getting on their tits. We've also twice been asked for an interview with PR Weak bloggers (we were too busy washing each other’s balls while flirting over Tweets during The Apprentice repeats to take notice).

We’ve even been approached by recruitment consultants via LinkedIn. It’s perhaps indicative of the desperation by the PR industry as a whole that it wants to hire digital people regardless of experience, intelligence, people skills, or in this case, whether they actually exist.

Bar the odd exception (the @funkymonkshit email a case in point) we don't usually respond to any of the above requests, and most pass without notice.

However, in the last week or so, and most recently on Friday, we received some DMs that caused us to pull the plug on things, just shy of our one year anniversary. These weren't messages from some over-sharing egotistical dickhead whose feelings have been hurt by a 'nasty' tweet or post.

These were from someone who came under some fairly intense pressure for 'being sean376'. Risk of ‘losing your job’ kind of pressure, for things that he/she didn't write here.

Sadly, there's no way to really prove that you aren't Sean376. There’s only a way to prove you are. And since we’re not coming out anytime soon, we’ve decided to close things down.  When someone feels they might lose their job because they’re accused of posting this rubbish, then the fun’s gone for us. (Apparently we have consciences... who the fuck knew?)

A PR man once said:

Anonymous satirists have long been an important feature of Britain’s media. To unmask individuals such as Sean376 and The Stig is to spoil the fun, and there’s not nearly enough fun in life.

Oh lordy, how we wish that were true.

Granted, this hasn’t been the purest form of satire. It was meant to be a piss take, and a sometimes (okay, most times) a childish one at that. We never set out to be clever or provide a critical analysis of the industry, though sometimes that happened. But if that’s what you are looking for, then look to The Hillard Fleishmann people who are much more clever (and appear to have an actual budget).

Most of the people we’ve met in social media are OK in real life. But give some of them a platform and a ‘voice’, and you get a lot of wannabes, wasting their client's money as they fritter away time during office hours trying to build up their personal brands while talking about shit that they haven't actually done, or work that they are doing badly. While others, just tweet stupid shit. Constantly.

We make no apologies for fucking with these people.

Yes, there's a media (R)evolution (copyright Darth Solis) going on, but get over it. Most are just along for the ride, tweeting mashable and econsultancy posts. Or going to Foursquare superswarm meetups only to discover that the strength of most online friendships are in fact pretty weak (if they exist at all). The people that are doing really interesting work aren’t pretending to be thought leaders, writing top ten lists of Twitter tools or handing out Moo cards every chance they get. They are fucking getting on with it. And so should most of you.

Another satirical blog will turn up soon enough, and it will probably (ironically?) be by the people who’ve been trying to out Sean376 for the last year. Good luck to them.

The industry needs someone to take piss out of it, or at least keep it a bit honest. But, for now at least, that can’t be Sean376.

So on that note, we’re outta here bitches.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

You don't deserve us

Avid readers will have noticed that over the last few weeks my blog has been down. Usually when this happens its because I've been working on some big client viral or I've been taking part in a threesome - I'm either getting paid for doing something I don't like doing or paying for something I actually like to do. There's a bit of give and take. 

However, this was not the case recently  - the PR industry took and took my ideas and good grace without a thing in return. Over the last 15 mins or so, Paul Armstrong (some of you may know him as @fuckingmonkey) and I have been working on an infographic which we hope will revolutionise the PR industry. Granted we are not the first people to do this, in fact we are not even the ninth or tenth, but by golly we will change the way you wipe your arse or I'll be damned. 

So imagine my surprise when our charitable team were asked to present our completely selfless (it's for the good of the industry remember? Ben Matthews can suck my balls - there's a new do gooder in town) proposition at SoCal. We stood there spreading our love seeds over the faces of the audience, hoping that everyone will provide feedback for our lovingly created infographic. It's crowdsourcing innit? 

Unfortunately, absolutely no one gave a shit. 

So @fuckamonkey had an idea: he would use his crappy column in PR Week which exactly eight people read to challenge the PR industry to provide feedback and discuss the infographic. We all genuinely believe that the infographic is such a work of art that anyone who sees it will literally jizz their pants hence we were seriously considering outing on our blog any PR agency that did not discuss the infographic externally (no doubt they would be talking about it in their staff meetings).

Despite the fact that the link to the Slideshare presentation doesn't work properly and secondly, the writings so incredibly small to the point of unreadable. Despite all this you ungrateful little piss sacks in the PR industry should have  discussed our glorious infographic. Even Litman who fucking loves commenting on a sack of salt and pisses himself when he sees an infographic would rather stay at home and scratch his balls. 

Well I've had enough. I thought I would share some of my expertise creating FourSquare check-in campaigns in the ad industry to help you mother fuckers in the PR industry. But not anymore. And I hope from Paul's email to you all made you feel shitty about yourself. For those of you who didn't receive the spammy call to arms (and not at all twattish or spammy) email from @monkeyfuck here it is. (it's like a bitchy Winston Churchill but instead of stirring you to fight for your country, your children and the fate of the world, he's asking you to comment on his blog). I won't disclose the email address of those 'pitched' but my maths tells me there are around 100 people on that list. 

From: Paul Armstrong 

*** Please do not reply all ***

I’m disillusioned (yes, more than normal).  
Not one of you have commented on SoTech infographic thus far.  
This makes me sad and considering we all make our rents based on this stuff I expect you to have an opinion.
It’s open season.  Rip it, me, the idea to shreds.  Have NO decency.  I want it to be better.  I want us (as an industry) to be better.
It is not perfect.  It’s a start.  How would YOU improve it?

http://www.sotechnow.com

Danke.
Paul.

MORE HERE: http://community.prweek.com/blogs/firehose/archive/2010/10/04/if-you-are-quot-in-quot-social-media-you-need-to-read-this-and-comment-or-get-out-of-social-media.aspx  


Paul is very angry, why else would he completely ignore all the rules of blogger outreach and make him self look like an arrogant tit to try get us all to comment on a shitty blog post about a shitty infographic? Even people like Neville Nevlin Hobson (Hobbo to mates like me) wouldn't get away with an email like this.
Despite this, I find that not one more person has commented on the blog! Were you offended by the email or something?!It was MEANT to shock you into looking into your own heart and seeing how much of a loser you are.

I'm not going to beg you to comment any more. We are here working my balls off trying to rerrange the PR industry so we can compete with the ad world. It's not like there are new, better done infographics released every week or anything.  

You should comment for your own good. Do it or fuck off from social media. And bring Danny Whathisface from Wildfire with you.

Friday, 18 June 2010

I'm giving up on PR

I was just reading in PR Week about the 'Barcelona Declaration of Research Principles', the first global standard of PR measurement, that has been created at the second European Summit on Measurement.

Leave it to the PR industry to slap on an official sounding title for what is, essentially, a pile of shit.

The Barcelona Declaration of Research Principles. The Treaty of Versailles. The WTO Doha Round.

With a name like that I expect a lot was accomplished. But instead we get meaningless PR bullshit of the highest order:

  1. Goal setting and measurement are fundamental aspects of any PR programmes. < No fucking shit asshole.
  2. Media measurement requires quantity and quality - clip cuts are generally meaningless. < Qualitative and quantitative measurement? Groundbreaking.
  3. Advertising Value Equivalents (AVEs) do not measure the value of PR and do not inform future activity; they measure the cost of media space. < Yes. Everyone has known this. For decades.
  4. Social media can and should be measured. < FFS
  5. Measuring outcomes is preferred to measuring media results. < Preferred. But we can't always measure outcomes, so lets just fall back on media results.
  6. Business results can and should be measured where possible. < ‘Can’ and ‘where possible’. Vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaague.
  7. Transparency and replicability are paramount to sound measurement. < You must be able to replicate how many times you called a journalist to ask if they received your email.
We’re told that this "is the first step towards creating a worldwide agreement on how the impact of PR can be measured." Here's a thought? Why not skip this first step of principles, and use the 3-day jolly in Barcelona to fucking get on with it.

My favourite bit is that these "principles will now be tweaked until a final version is published in mid July." One month to tweak 7 sentences?

Bravo PR, you've outdone yourself with FAIL this time.

So on that note, I think I'm done with PR for a little while.

I'm still around, but I need to spread my wings and see what else is out there. Might change direction and head towards Adland where the chicks are equally fucking hot, budgets are bigger and staff are even less clued up on social media than PRs.

Friday, 11 June 2010

My Media Week: Bitches, this is how Sean376 rolls

Following on from Claudine Collin's gritty look into the life of Media I thought you would all like to know about my own day to day routine.  Many thanks to WAS' top geek Chris 'the hunk' Qwglhm (it's pronounced Applegate) for making a formal request. Unfortunately, PR Week wasn't interested in creating a new column for London's 14th best social media expert (it's a complicated triangle involving Danny, me and Daljit), but I thought it would be waste if I didn't share my story about running my own agency with the whole world.

Monday

After the morning coffee, I scrolled through Twitter for a while looking for inane conversations to join with people I have secretly grown to resent on account of their higher follower count. Decided to stop after about an hour because I realised that reading news articles from others doesn't actually count as 'work'.

I become a bit needy for attention and ego stroking, so it's back onto Twitter where I scour the stream of tweets for the lasted news, which is inevitably from Mashable.

Tuesday

Networking events are my favourite times of the week. It's when people actually get to see me without the screen of the computer  and really get to know what makes Sean376 special; and it's the only time I get out of my mum's house. Tonight, thankfully, there's the blogger meet up where all my virtual friends meet up in real life and realise that they've got nothing else to talk about apart from work. But that's OK with me, social media is my passion and I like to show off in front of the new grads who don't realise that none of us are making very much money from social media (ask @Wadds).

I wait my turn patiently, usually chatting to some nobody like @psgrist until I get my turn with Michael Litman. Thank God he's not too cool for us or he would have all the social media bitches hanging off his cock. Instead he's humble enough to sit and share his own thoughts and own knowledge with the rest of us - like he does on his blog.
 
Wednesday
 
Today, I pay a visit to my accountant, Smithe & Smithe, in Chelsea. The posh twat Henry Smithe proceeds to tell me that Sean376 Agency is in arrears to the tune of £137K. It seems that the £75 monthly retainer from Catford KFC won't fund the Cristal, strippers, Jay-Z guest appearances and wooing the Chowney with new mobile phone handsets. That's OK though, I reassure him that I'm currently in talks with Weber Shandwick and Hill & Knowlton to be acquired. Another two agencies looking to buy talent because their internal teams are thick-as-shit-online-illiterates. Put yo diamond's in de air, yo!
 
Thursday
Writer's block hits as I ghost write a blog post for a client. I take some time out to enjoy my Earl Gray while my cat, LOLcat, purrs beside me. As I stare into his proud, whiskered face I wonder why he is the only one that truly understands me? A quick cry in the toilette, and I'm back at my MacBook to finish the post, which has now become a top 10 list of social media rules for engagement. I cross my fingers and hope that no one reads the blog post from that show off Brian Solis about 21 rules for social media engagement. Dick.

PR Week today! Anticipation builds as I wonder which regular talking head the will roll out this week. Wadds? Brucey Bruce Bruce? Dhaljit? Or Dr Web himself @drewb. None of the above, but I'm happy to settle for Jon Silk's comment in a short piece that literally could have been made by anyone.


Friday

Mid-morning wank is interrupted by a client call from Catford KFC looking for a report that demonstrates the value of Twitter in driving people to the store. I frantically try to make the account look active and follow more people, most of whom I know already. And don't live in Catford. And would have no interest in the campaign anyway. But fuck it.

Bank Holiday Weekend

Start the weekend wanking over pics from my Twitter background. Try and focus on @sean376sangels but get thrown off by the looks on most people's stupid fucking stupid ass faces. So I pack it away and some time updating my RSS reader with more blogs I will seldom read, and think about where I should next take my personal brand. This is interupted, of course, by an extended wankathon powered by YouPorn.


Sunday: Sit and cry. Unfortunately to wipe away the tears, I accidently use the weekend's spunk towelette. Wash face. Do laundry.

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Sean 376's World-Cup-Elite-Team-Blog-Post-Circle-Jerk-Bum-Fest

Following Adam Vincenzi's latest blog post I'd thought I'd also put together an arselicky, link baiting post of my own about my favourite 6 a side communications bloggers. Bear in mind that I haven't actually met most of these people and there's no fucking way I'd meet them for a drink outside of networking events.


Goalie - JedHallam

When it comes to the pressure of the penalty shoot out, there's no one I would have inbetween the sticks more than Nottingham-born Fairy of the PR industry. For an example of what it means to step up to the plate, see the whole #wolfstargate scandal of 2010. When all the Tweets were cussing him because they liked Adam Vincenzi a bit betterer (but failed to read the blog post in question), Jed stood up for himself by hiding behind his computer screen chewing his bollocks.


Defence - Robin Grant

Everyone hates him, but he doesn't care. Like a raging bull, you can rely on Robin to fuck anything up the arse if it made him a tidy profit. Imagine: It's 0-0 and you're 30 seconds from full time and Litman (on the opposing team) has the ball and beats Grant for pace and runs past him. Grant, struggling with his weight (of expectation) chases him but can't quite catch up to make the tackle. Make no mistake, Grant would chop the bastard Litman down, take the red card for the team and hang his head in shame for cheating the whole world. You want a winner? You want Grant


Defence - Tim Whitlock

Again referring to the #Starfoxgate scandal, there were two heroes who really pushed the boat out in support of Paratus' spamming. While Dirk Singer will get most of the glory (hole), Tim Whitlock's comment about 'not even knowing who Jed was' was brilliant. Oh fuck it that was my one joke, I've nothing else to say about him - does he write websites?


Midfield - wadds

What is there left to say about Stephen "Wadds" Waddington? When you need someone centre of the park, pulling the strings you need Speed Comms leader. All roads lead to Wadds as evidenced by #chairmanwaddsdrinks bumming hashtag from a couple of weeks back. Leader of the CIPR circle-jerk, Chowney's favourite writer (It's not Danny Whatmough - don't be fucking stupid) - Wadds will boss the midfield and pull all the strings like Speed MD, Steve Earl does with Wadds.


Centre Midfield - Adam Vincenzi

The Ad Man. Admeister. Comms Chat Twitter bloke. Adam Vinhowthefuckdoyoupronouncethat. Sturdy, bald and if he wasn't so fucking cheesily nice all the time he'd look like a right 'ard bastard. This would be a tactical move from Sean376 just to scare to opponents. Something like this, "Adam, FFS, do not open your mouth, do not smile and do not start to talk about either 'coms' or 'chatting'! Just stand there and look fucking hard!"


Striker - Ste Davies

Leading the line would be Geordie Bell End Stephen 'Ste' Davies. The typical footballer, born on the streets, raised by a flock of seagulls, Ste's trademark Tramp Stamps are evidence of his poverty-strewn upbringing. Like Gary Lineker, Ste would get all the glory without doing much work (well he wrote a blog in University I suppose). Like most footballers, he would also fuck anything that moves.


Subs: @Ellabella83 just to see her in some tight shorts. Photos please?

Friday, 16 April 2010

Sean376 to chair CIPR social media advisory panel

The CIPR called yesterday, but I couldn’t answer my iPhone because I was talking to Nick Clegg about what he should say in the Leader's Debate.

They kindly left a message asking if I’d like to join their social media panel (wankfest) to help social media inflate egos, save more lives and stop poverty in Africa. My first thought was ‘do I look like fucking Bob Geldof?' but after I saw who else I’d be sitting next to I thought – shitting ace. So I’ll now be chairing the CIPR panel, and joining me will be these unknowns, plucked from obscurity:
  • @Daljit_Bhurji – Daljit and me went to school together, we go way back. It must be hard for him being in my shadow all the time.
  • @MarkBorkowski- Mark sometimes calls me when Kerry Katona is stood outside his flat swinging her fanny about and begging to be a client. I’m having nothing to do with her since she got fired from Iceland and fucked up the clouds.
  • @robbrown – Cathy Wallace’s husband is an inspiration. I too will soon write a book about social media and get two page spreads without having any clients. Just as soon as I started noodling Cathy Wallace.
  • @stuartbruce – When I first set up my agency I called myself a guru, like Stuart, and soon realised that that was the wrong way to go – that’s why I got into politics.
  • @simoncollister – Simon is We Are Social's CSR knob. How did that hippy manage to scam a job at such a fantastic conversation agency like WAS?
  • @dannyrogers2001 – Danny owes me a favour after I pulled him off at the PRWeek Power Book awards.
  • @wadds – I love his shiny head. I can see the future of the web in that shine.
  • @robin1966 – Who the fuck is this guy?
Which brings me nicely to our Charter:
  1. First rule of CIPR Social Media club, you always talk about Social Media club
  2. The second rule of Social Media club is, you always talk about Social Media Club. And Tweet that shit too.
  3. We have a rotation policy for our circle jerks. CIPR branded hand towels provided.
  4. We only let sexy new people in if they have more than 1,000 followers
So watch out social media industry, because PR's up in this bitch now. And so fucking what if the IAB has had a social media council for two years already? We're brigning the wank towels to this party.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Sean 376 officially endorsed by world leading social media guru, Jerimiah Owyang

********************PRESS RELEASEEEEE****************************8!!!!!111

Newly formed Social media relationship and engagement agency, Sean376 Pr the social media agency that listens to your clients has been officially endorsed by social media guru, Jeremiah Owywang.

The praise came following a series of tweets detailing the founder of the agency's dreams.

"It is amazing that one of the world leading social relationship gurus, Mr Jeremiah would officially endorse a social media agency, let alone one as new as Sean376 the agency which listens to 16 more degrees than Oglivy. this truly cements me and my agency as one of the foremost communications experts and makes me confident for the pitch for Pepsi's $1billion social media account," said newly promoted leading social media consultant Sean Threesevensix.

"I literally jizzed my pants when he got in contact with me," he added.

The development marks the second time the agency has been forefront in the mind of the some of the PR industry's thought leaders. Just last month Sean Threesevensix began a series of exchanges of Tweets with Shel Israel.

Speaking from his private hideaway in dormant Mount Etna, Jeremiah said:"Lol your a nut".

It is understood that Jeremiah will partake in an internship at the agency this summer.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

FAME

I'm going to live forever...
04/02/10